Okay so now I am a few days out, less than a week and feeling great, tight, and lean.
I am at about 110lbs, I hate that number but it seems to be the one which goes with the leanest me so we will have to work this year at bringing that up by 10lbs, I seriously want to gain 5-10lbs this year, regardless of my back!
My problem is I get ****y, I get relaxed then I end up missing a few months in the year of training and diet an during those months I lose precious muscle gained prev. and lose time of gaining more. I am going to stay consistent this year to make sure next year - whatever show I do, I come in even harder with more muscle mass. I want to make people question if I am a natural because my size borders on that look...........yet still be a natural, so there is my goal, always been but it seems now I am much more focused and things are into play which will help me.
I have a running kitchen now, where as from 93 to 07 I was in a small room with dogs and my man, had to share a kitchen and because of circumstances did not want to run into my mom since I care for her and most of the times she is 'self induced' sick..................which is 90% of the time. So it was tense, I used a hotplate, lived in a room and under a ton of stresses.
Lets just say it was like a Cinderella story except she aint my step mom she is my real mom.
My dad passed on 89 and left no will, she tried to liquidate the home so that I could not get any and also liquidated any funds he has put away which was out of country - that money is gone and to pursue it would be pointless plus my mom tends to have 'heart attacks' when she is upset....or strokes....although non so far have been legit.........but its all past now, my name is now on the home, she is too old and does not want me to leave so I now have a top floor of this 3 level home.
My environment is ideal now, I have a tread, cycle, bench, weights and working on a weight room in my basement while still fixing the home, my mom did not do much fixing - she is useless for that, my dad did all that so she was clueless and only wanted her rent, kinda like a slum lord although now we only have tenant in part of our bsmnt, so we have been incurring those debts and such......but its not a loss as long as my name is there so I won't lose my part.
My mom still gets sick 'self induced' but because I now have some outside gvt help, she cannot binge as harshly. I wish i could sue her dr............he gave her all these sedative narcotic anti depressants back in 89........meds which are to be weened off after 3 mths and it says so when you read you read up on these drugs, you would think the dr would know this....I seem to know more than he does or he simply does not care since he does not live with her so he keeps dealing her more narcots.......here she is 20 years later still on them, more of them and lots and she drinks, takes 3 t3s at a time for her pains and he knows it! Its has bee a 20 year battle and a HUGE PAIN IN MY ASS! Her pains are mostly side effects, many of them......although she has legitimate health issues too.
Imagine dealing with a teenage but having no power to stop them from killing or hurting themselves - no power to ground them or such......I cannot tell my mom what to do and she denies it even when proven drunk by ER blood tests the times she fell and got hurt and I had to call ambulance or take her to er.
Soooooooo anyway my point is I feel that I can focus more on me and my goals more fully now where as before I had so many things AGAINST my training including my other half setting me up for sabatoge with foods and fights.........but he too is now in a better place and has accepted my career and of course he is less stressed now too in our living situation.
Now when my mom falls I can longer pick her up, due to my back but she also ends up messing herself and bleeding all over the place which my guy is a bit squeemish over....well the poop and such is not so bad, just stinky and in helping her it gets all over you but taht only happens when she is right hopped up so like anyone else who would be as drunk and drugged as she was, you defaecate yourself...........up to now I always did pick her up and not bring my guy into it, with her dead weight of 170 lbs off the floor......now I have to get my guy to do it when it happens and watching him do it makes me just so much more aware of what I was doing, how much I was lifting, he struggles with her.........and he is very strong.
So this year has been the beginning of many new opportunities for me to have a much more peaceful journey toward my future in general......even so the circumstances are not ideal, I am at peace with what I cannot control including finding her bleeding and such which I used to fear so much but i has happened so many times now I stopped resisting it as I cannot control it..............and it happened she fell so badly a few times now with such a high dope level and booze level that the senior psychiatry is helping a bit, but they can only suggest things like day programs at senior programs where they are in hospital and clubs where there is medical staff.
Because of these 'outing' days, she cannot binge nightly, she knows she has somewhere to be the next day and they call her to follow up in the morning as well and if she tries not to go in they have me to 'fink' on her.......of course no one can stop her but she is an older mentality and immigrant so she can be intimated a bit.........which is sad but hey, whatever it takes to keep her on the better path for both her and me............it is such a handful. She can drink as early as lunch and be drunk by 2pm! if it was just booze it would not be so bad but when she mixes its so bad and she loses bodily functions.
I am sure some of you can relate somehow.
And then people wonder why after 17 years we have no kids..............been taking care of my mom, a big problem child!!! I prefer dogs anyway.
So anyway, I feel good, sorry to purge all that.....but its like I am setting my thoughts here so bare with me.
This picture below and my new avatar was taken last night. I feel right on par.........or at least as best as I can be for this show. I will shoot a few friday night after I get colored up.
Sandra Wickham has been quite supportive of me and very helpful which is not my past experiences with her, it was very very pleasant. She has a team who does the spray jan tana and assured me the formula is ph balanced and such so no more GREEN me, I used jan tana many years ago and stopped due to the green shades it would go on myskin, because of my sweat and the meds I use.
OKAY BOYZ AND GIRLS, KEEP SENDING MY POSITIVE VIBES, PRAYERS, AND TONS OF GREAT LOVING LUCK!!!! I am going up against the best of the best here, I am so excited and have been enjoying this so far and am especially happy of the timing with this one, NO PMS!!!
Linda
