So about a year ago I was concerned about my cholesterol and remembered hearing my dad mention Niacin as a fix, but only for the hard-core freaks. You need to understand that hard-core and freak are acceptable Webster's definitions for the word "Naviator." It's just the third in a long line of other Vitamin Bs, right? No sweat. (Remember that line, because it's not true.)
When the time came to select my preference the ole cheapskate genes kicked in as I noticed two types. You had the No-Flush brand and the other kind. Well, shoot. The other kind was only ten bucks, so that's a no-brainer. Remember that also, because Indiana Jones I am not. I chose poorly. A few days later the nice man in the brown truck that we all have come to know and love delivered a package that included my much anticipated vitamins along with few other supplements.
So walk with me here. Imagine our hero with his fresh box of goodies from the supplement factory eagerly awaiting the superhuman health he will soon enjoy. There I was, armed with the capsulated powders of anatomical science. Just so we are clear, this was the time I tried GuggulBolic, too, a supplement that advertises an increased natural thermostat setting. It's a Saturday afternoon and there's nothing to do but swallow some pills, get thermal, and watch myself become lean and mean.
15 minutes after my first ever dose of Niacin (it's such a little capsule, how could it do ANYTHING?) I experienced what could best be described as a mild tingling in my neck and chest. 30 seconds later there was a rapid and steady pounding on my sternum. From the inside. This is where time starts to get strange. By the time I realized that perhaps I had made a mistake the tingling had become more of a burning sensation and had spread from my scalp to my lap. A thoroughbred had taken residence inside my ribcage and it felt like Donkey Kong was busting his way out. This is when I realized that I don't get afforded a pleasant death like some people. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that mine will be very similar to this experience in both pain and panic because frankly I do many stupid things, and I'm not about to stop at this.
On with our story. I'm standing in front of the mirror, because let's face it you only die once and who wants to miss it?. Sunburns, no matter how bad, have never made me this red or agonized me this way. I have never been sunburned in the places that this stuff made me hurt. My eyes were red, for crying out loud. Any second now I would be popping horns from my forehead and swishing the air with my new spade-tipped tail. I was roasting alive in my own skin. I had to get completely naked as quickly as possible because everything that touched me sent waves of searing agony ripping throughout my baked carcass.
I don't remember much after that. As I said, time got strange, and the more damage I thought was being done, the more strange time became. I think I heated the room a few degrees because the entirety of my blood supply was on the surface of my skin, and I was shivering despite the intense heat. And my butt hurt. Have you ever over-UVed your behind?
What seemed like hours ticked by as I stood completely buck-naked, afraid of touching anything and dreading the sound of the doorbell. Yeah, I would. I don't answer the phone, but I answer the door. If you come to visit me, you get whatever I'm doing at the time, OK? God help the Jehovah's Witnesses that chose today to bring Nav to enlightenment. They would have had one red, screaming, naked man on their hands. Good thing Catholics don't do door-to-door or I would have gotten the Exorcism Special right on the spot, free of charge.
Well, I managed to survive to tell about it. It's hard to tell if brain damage occurs after my sort of escapades, because I really don't remember being any smarter beforehand. And just so you know, the GuggulBolic was junk, or I might have spontaneously combusted. You want to lose weight? It's simple, do more, eat less. You want to burn your soul? Niacin, baby. And not the No-Flush kind, either--That's for wusses. You're going to have to trust me on this one.
<message edited by Naviator on Wednesday, March 16, 2005 7:15 AM>