My ramblings, the endless journey

You're getting immersed! That can be a good thing. I know meditation is a good thing.

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yeah, meditation is fine... the rest that goes along with what I'll be trying to do....ummmmmmmm, ahh, it's cool. It'll be interesting to say the least..


well friday sh*t the bed.... 13 hour day at work unexpected... missed class.

I'll make it work I have the night this friday too, fancy pants chamber orchestra, no one else can work it but me.... funny I go both ways.... the absolute nicest events no one else can work... the gutter events.... no one else but me can work.... and the cluster f*cks.... no one else but me....

lifted still light end easy on Saturday...

chin ups full/ with a little kipping going on... 2 2 2 after that I became aware of my hand... so that was enough

4 x 10 front squats explosive @ 57 lbs (fast made it hurt... in a good way)
3 X 10 military press @ 57 lbs
3 X 15 reverse grip bent over rows
1 X 20 back squats @ 57 I threw the bar up on my back to do lunges, realized I don't have the space with the bar on my back... figured never did back sqauts might as well give them a shot... wow, easy compared fronters...did them fast as well. I had trouble getting the bar saftly back up, so this is where I called it a day.

Yesterday HIIT treadmil. Finally picking up some speed, the track of the mil is so narrow, it is uncofortable to run on, but I'm getting it... strill hate to run.

So I'll do a double class today since I can't make it Friday, but I can lift in the am on Friday so it should work out ok.

That is an interesting expression - made me laugh. At first I thought you said "Friday I sh-- the bed" lol

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Yeah I like that expression myself... it is usually reserved for when some makes a massive mistake that forces other people to clean it up a giant logistical, or emotional mess (usually it's both). ie Friday at work... although I couldn't blame one person many troublemakers on Friday...


Fu yesterday, I am struggling with the staff big time, i mean BIG TIME... I made almost no progress... I was shown the same sequence by 4 different people 4 different ways.... that doesn't help.

I need to write about some of the concerns I have about the the state of my school, and how my training will progress, but I don't have the time to do that today.

forms class was ok, I had a very hard stomach, I was worried I was getting the violent stomach virus that is going around...but since I didn't immediately start vomitting, and crapping, which is exactly how the thing is manafesting around here, I am fine.

Forms were ok, I wasn't feeling it though... it was really hot in class (one of the reasons I was worried about sickness, but someone else commented, so it was just high heat).

Form sparr I worked with someone 4 months in max... and we did form spars that I am shakley on. I Kept double checking with Phan, I taught her correctly... so one very small pat on the back for me. Fu tonight lift tomorrow.

Fun, fun fun last night was fun...

then I talked with buddy John, when I got home and everything turned way sad. The very short version is we have lost too many senior students and post red sash students... for a variety of reasons... The teaching pool for the middle -advanced students just isn't there, not students you want to emmulate any way, so they will be left unchallanged they will leave... you get the idea.... So I am very, very, very concerned my school will shut in the future... I won't be able to complete my training there (always was a possibility, 10 year commitment, I accept, but who knows what could happen in that time), and i will have to find a new school and start all over.... I actually wept about it...

But I digrees, we did monkey rolls! a lot of them... I am no tumbler and I did really good. Physically demanding class it was great! We worrked monkey only in form spar... and we kinda steped into free spar scenarios using monkey applictions... a new twist on an old approach... I had the perfect partner... Allan! I love that kid, I want to cuddle him in a very non-sexual way... My Bf happens to be old friends with his brother (revenge of small world philly), I mentioned my strong desire to cuddle allan (I am not a touchy feely kinda girl)... he said the whole family is like that. Any way we like punching and kicking each other a whole lot so for a form into free spar, I couldn't have asked for a better partner

We had an excellant time.

So tonight I go to a burbon tasting... with half of our now defunct senior student population (ok that is not fair... only a 2 are post red sash drop outs), the rest I believe all still attend (my john... my john might leave me... do you know what else pisses me off, as he and I were chatting he felt responisible for me being there and sorry that he brought me into... which adds to the double whammy of why I feel so bad about this, I don't want him to make decision about his life because of my involvement... I don't want his chioce to be affected by my attending school. The one thing I don't like about Kung Fu is the BOY DRAMA... jeasus christ!

Oh what was I saying... yeah So go home try to lift, get out the door, get totally loaded... I have a bad feeling about tonight... Burbon and me ehhh, Schotch and Irish Whiskey is good burbon, I am more pickey about...  I know John, I am an old responisble lady... and there is a chance i am going to throw up.... quite possible before I go home... ANd this is a half snooty affair.... not good.

haha someone got a little tip-say eh?

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no anticipation of tonight. Actually what I wrote re-upset me to some degree, so my poor grammar, spelling and structures...were a notch up from my usual journal writing sloppiness.

Aww don't be upset. It'll all pan out :)

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It will be fine... I was just kinda like the first talk you have with bf/gf, and you thought everything was fine..... not perfect, but ok....after the conversation you kinda know the relationship is doomed, and there isn't anything you can do about it. I don't react very well when things are out of my control, it's a flaw of mine...

HEY personal best on chin ups... get a load of this. full very little kip, and not all of them either
 3 3 2 2 that my friends equal 10 total

4 x 10 front squats explosive @ 57 lbs (fast made it hurt... in a good way)
3 X 10 military press @ 57 lbs
3 X 15 reverse grip bent over rows
 
I was late did a 20 rep front squat called it

oh little ab work in there

I believe that was my last injured hand 57 lb work out back to business!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so a newly injured knuckle..  middle finger... not anywhere near as bad as the ring finger. (I swear I am gonna throw up pics of my injuries... you read my journal, I sound like a pussy).

I had three fights (yeay, for back to free spar!)...

Dan,  short warm up, he was nursing his own injury from last week.

Fred who joined around my time, but was finishing up his residency and had to stop attending regularly for quite a while... He went a little too easy on me, either that or (and by watching his other fights this might be true), he is much more of a kicker, and he is tall. The only way I can couter that currently is to come in and punch, like come way in and take away all of his reach, and punch the **** out of him basically, and he didn't know what to do about it. That might  might be it 1 'cause I pinned him several times up agianst the wall, 2, he said after our fight, ok, you really showed me something I have to work on my blocking.

and the Vinny, who I have also never foaught before, he has quite a few years on me.... OH he is so much fun to fight!!!!!! and he is good with using his forms. I got creamed... but i did tag him several times real good in the body, I ceratainly got some points.

I need to work on BREATHING when I punch, something aweful. I held my beath through ever punch sequence with fred, and my fface would get reder and reder, we would break and I would have to just heave in air... bad hardway, BAD! My low kicks and cross kicks are decent, my side kicks just way too slow.

Good forms, I wasn't too hurt. I got validation on my snake tiger I got it now I have to make it good.

this morning, did the coture circuit. I think part of whay my ring finger went soo bad on me is the really heavy when it was slightly damaged made it very damaged.

so I lied it was another 57lb workout... but this was actually a work out

straight circuit no rest, after the "giant set" 1 minute rest and then I repeated total 3 sets.

chin up 3, 3, 2, 2, (did one more set of chins I klike that I can do 10 all of a sudden)
bent over row 8, 8, 8
military perss, 8, 8, 8
goodmorning 8, 8, 8,
static lunges ( can just find the room if I just stay split)8, 8, 8
back squats (fast) 8, 8, 8
romainian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

wooo doggy, I was late for work, I can defiantley do another sets (It will be horrible, but I think I could do), so I problaly will move it to 4 giants, then maybe move on to 5.

It was a really fun routine.

Giant break through.... on  Saturday, was going to go to open studio (and should have, really glad i did NOT). I practiced a long long time at home. I was just working on snake tiger, getting the feel really trying to force the force to be generated from my body, and the suppoting leg/ground. I did the form only medium speed to really slow Qigung  sets.... really really tring to get the feel for the body movememnt.I was really thinking through the applicatin and problem solving what was next (only possible since I have finally got the form (minus one tiny question after the second kick sequence... is it a back fist... or chop back fist block punch... your guess is as good as mine, I'll find out tonight)

ANYWAY.... the break through... I started feeling really distanant as I was going through... I was a... w...a...y...I was still very cognicent and in control, but far (can't think of a better way of describing it)... I did a double snake strike ...my enitire spine cracked. Starting from my tail all the way up thoughh to the base of my skull. IT SOUNDED CRAZY....pop.pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop bottom to top.

It felt fantastic, and I was even more relaxed.... I figured that was enough... and  sat down, thought I should try and meditate, now is as good a time as any...

AND THEN... for the first time ever, I actually meditated... LIKE I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!I wasn't thinking about lunch, I wasn't sitting quietly breathing....It was like nothing I have ever experianced, and I did not expect what actually happened. I rappidly recceded into darkness, in my chest... it was big and open.... empty, BLACK. My awareness was on my breathing but it wasn't at the same time. My breath was totally diffferent then it usually sounds... It was just this giant ball of current rolling in my chest/abdomen, around and around.... I drew breath and released it, but there was no beginning and no end.....  I was floating, i did not feel my legs, otr any other part of my body... just inside.... thoughts kept poping up, I just swished them away... scary thoughts poped up and I just swished them away... it was almost if I bird handed them away....I felt that was weird enough and I propably should figure out how to get out of this... all it took was thinking myself back.... and slowly I felt my emotions, conscious body, and the room all come appearing back like a photograph developing,,,,suddenly I am sitting on the floor with a big sh*t eating grin on my face... repeating I did it... I really did it... who knows if I can do it again... but if I goit it once I can do it again!!!!! Ok time to join spirit class going ot talk to Phan today.


so again 57lb barbell, the whole routine straight through, rest 1 minute, repeat

chin up 3, 3, 2, 2, (did one more set of chins I like that I can do 10 all of a sudden)
military press 8, 8, 8
bent over row, 8, 8, 8
goodmorning 8, 8, 8,
static lunges ( can just find the room if I just stay split)
8, 8, 8 back squats (fast) 8, 8, 8
deadlifts 8, 8, 8

so second time through concerns, deads are too light (last time I did romanians... it was a better weight for those, but I feel too much redunancy, with doing those and good mornings..we'll try again, militaries are very very close to too heavy, but I switched the order last time... rows first might be the better way, give my shoulders chest a little break after the chins)


Monday, Philly had a powerful snow... I actually had the day off in anticipation of my horrible March schedule. I did not bother to go into town for class, I could have been the only one there... I ran instead... HIIT, a little faster so it sucked a little more....

thehardway



AND THEN... for the first time ever, I actually meditated... LIKE I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!I wasn't thinking about lunch, I wasn't sitting quietly breathing....It was like nothing I have ever experianced, and I did not expect what actually happened. I rappidly recceded into darkness, in my chest... it was big and open.... empty, BLACK. My awareness was on my breathing but it wasn't at the same time. My breath was totally diffferent then it usually sounds... It was just this giant ball of current rolling in my chest/abdomen, around and around.... I drew breath and released it, but there was no beginning and no end.....  I was floating, i did not feel my legs, otr any other part of my body... just inside.... thoughts kept poping up, I just swished them away... scary thoughts poped up and I just swished them away... it was almost if I bird handed them away....I felt that was weird enough and I propably should figure out how to get out of this... all it took was thinking myself back.... and slowly I felt my emotions, conscious body, and the room all come appearing back like a photograph developing,,,,suddenly I am sitting on the floor with a big sh*t eating grin on my face... repeating I did it... I really did it... who knows if I can do it again... but if I goit it once I can do it again!!!!! Ok time to join spirit class going ot talk to Phan today.

THAT...is soo cool man!!!!
I'm happy for you.....I wish I could get there...
If I close my eyes.....I go to sleep....HaHa!
But really HW...that sounds awesome!!!!!

Current Stack: HDROL,Celltech,Superpump 250, Glutamine,Beta alanine,Whey protein.

Bulking... it only took me a year to get there.... trying about three times a week   : O
I'm patient to a fault sometimes.....

last night in fu town, no earth shattering events. we did again a lot of forms. we have two pretty serious beginners, so I think Phan is trying to get them acclimated and up to speed as quickly as possible, so we again did not form spar and we just did "made up" forms out of our warm up segments (which are all parts of true forms, hahahaha)...
and then a bunch of true forms....

I was corrected on my fight stance, John was there he checked my snake tiger... yup chop backfist block punch after the first kick sequence. adjusted my deadly snake strike (please use the appropriate voice when reading that... you know what I want to hear).

So plugging along... going in to work on staff tonight, now that I know I have snake tiger I can focus on learning staff... test is in july and it's March and i already feel woefully unprepared... Will lift when I get home.

I told Phan I will be joining this month... I have it in my mind that I want to join on a friday night... easier to celebrate after (and there is always a celebration), and i don't want to have go to work the next day.... I am going to need to process what happens!!?? BUt that means next week... and I do have to work that SAturday (of course), so I need to decide, or hold off till the first week in April...

Staff at school.... I think I have figured out how I learn at Kung Fu... I can not pick up the form and learn new techniques at the same time... I have to learn the techniques (to some reasonable degree),, before I can memorize the sequences... so while I went over the form with Carlos, and he took me to the end i believe, I focused on understanding what I am suppposed to be doing with my body andd the striles and blocks, and direction changes, twirls, and behind the back suff... and did not worry about remembering the pattern

That should help bacause I rememebr more properly what aI need to do with the staff... I can practice every technique piece meal, and then I will be able to remember how it all goes tgether:since I won't be hung up on is my wrist supposed to be like this or like this..??...

what is really interesting is that I am multi task oriented I can successfully juggle many things, keep track of them and complete while checking everybody's  work... but not when I try to learn movement

I fight tonight..but I hit my head real good at work... I have a goose egg... god I am just such an ugly girl most of the time...  : (

after weapons (and I was more sore than I expected to be)

 again 57 lbs, 3 giant sets no rest between exercises, 1 minute rest after the circuit.
I want to increase but I don't think I can do the mpress... any higher with out pushing it rather than lifting it

chin up 4, 3, 3, 2, what the hell is going on??? that is 12 baby!!!! I really wanna say 6 were solid, the last one of each set I certainly had to fight for...I mean get a little kick twist yank... the remaing were inbetween
military press 8, 8, 8
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
good morning 8, 8, 8,
static lunges  8, 8, 8
front squats 8, 8, 8 (changed up to the fronters... 57 too light for back squats... I have been easy on myself in the weight room lately.. it's changing
Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8 back to these as well, better weight

Good Gosh! Your one busy Woman. Keep up the good work. Very nice to read about your inner self Journey. The only time I was anywhere near that was over 30 years ago and drugs were involved.

Team Keine Ausreden = No Excuses
mein scheinehund ist daheim
48 yrs young
6'5" 270 Lbs

A little kick, twist, yank - that's what she said. LOL

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Thanks for reading and commenting guys!!! I don't know what to make of this spiritual journey, I 'm just learning how to fight. hahaha

free spar John was there he beat the crap out of me with an evil grin on his face the entire time. Pictures of my legs to follow... I have them as well as a previous bruise, I will post them soon.
Fought fred he went harder than last time... I'll tell you what ,I think I surprised the **** out of him...he kept trying top take me down... could not get me off my feet. haha
Dan... we went really slow and easy, I mean my leg was on fire, If I would have been kicked one more time in the shin I think I would have just dropped to the ground...

Forms class all about fundamentals...It was good i was in pain, my preformance and balance suffered greatly. Made it through
Told phan next Friday I will join spirit class....eeeppp!

Lifted this morning...
chin up 4, 3, 3, 2,same total better form
 military press 8, 8, 8
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
 good morning 8, 8, 8,
 static lunges 8, 8, 8
 front squats 8, 8, 8
 Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

I had a 15 hour Friday at at work, slept through Saturday, took Sunday off!!!
this morning up-ed the weight 62 lbs, no rest between exercises 1 minute rest after circuit.
chin up 4, 3, 2, 1 lost one 
military press 8, 8, 8 (last 2 last set had to push press : (
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
 good morning 8, 8, 8,
 static lunges 8, 8, 8
 front squats 8, 8, 8
 Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

Hey checked the scale lost 6 lbs.... waist coming back in arms more defined... tiny bit, pretty confidant mostly fat, not much muscle lost.

good class nothing too special. We did a load of forms, warm ups rather ordinary...

Form sparred with the big Mark...we fought Dragon style, did the whole 4 corner dragon, he worked with me on it, he rarely took a turn at application... really nice of him, I appreciated it. dragon on a big man is NO... yeah not gonna work, hella fun though..

Good stuff he knows I lift started asking me for all kinds of advice... thanks mostly in to being here, and the knowledge that I have acquired, I had answers for ALL his questions, often times several different answers depending on how he would like to approach things... long story short I will be writing up a diet for him, and a routine... It's really, really nice to be able to help the people helping me, with my areas of insight and expertice (although I ain't no expert that's for sure, but I know more than enough to help most of those gyus with their goals).

Weapons class
john was there, he went through the whole staff form, with me adjusted some of my stances... I am like 2 weeks away from being that dip sh*t in the park practicing kung fu, I am not getting enough time at work to practice, and there is NO WAY I can practice in my home, so yeah in my near fututure that idiot in the park with a big stick, should go over really well in my neighborhood..

So I am getting there, slowly, John was impressed with my progress, that is sad, so either I really suck at picking this up and I surprised him that I just managed to do some things correctly, or my progress is io par to where it should be which is surprising cause I suck at picking this stuff up... Either way it was a compliment, delivered in John's usual insulting mannar, which is why he has remained my friend for so many years... : )


62 lbs, no rest between exercises 1 minute rest after circuit.
chin up 4, 3, 2, 2 got him back
military press 8, 8, 8 (had a really hard time with these last night, It was late 11:00 when I got down to it, I didn't warm up well, the first set totally suffered, I pushed at least half of the first set, but by second set twas ok, and back to usual)
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
 good morning 8, 8, 8,
 static lunges 8, 8, 8
 front squats 8, 8, 8
 Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

SO..... Ummm I start spirit classs on firday, I can tell Phan is REALLY happy I have decided to join that portion of our class....


I AM FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT!!!!!!

It is one thing for me to be open minded about things I don't believe, I can not be so arrogant to believe I have the answers to lifes mystery, I used to be that way, but.... me old now, and know much better. And it is one thing to rationalize (find logic and reason with in unreasonable events), things you have witnessed and other peoples experiances.............. But, guys, ummm..... This is right of the deep end like way deep. I am getting a dead Kung fu master brain buddy, who is going to possess my body.... THAT IS TOTALLY CRAZY PANTS!!!! like seriously that is EXACTLY what is supposed to happen.

EXTRA CRAZY PANTS.... I have talked numerous times here about the upheavals at Kung fu people leaving oon good terms and bad for a varriety of reasons, right? They have bashed the style of kung fu it is the forms, them selves, Phan's ability to teach, the class structure, the list goes on and on...,.....

But 2 things are NEVER NEVER NEVER bashed no matter how much bad blood there is between disenting student and the school. 1 My masters skill is NEVER questioned, he has been chalanged and won every time, be it one of our students, or someone who thinks they are hard (body builders, boxers, MMA people, you name it), and want's to "challange" a supposeded (actual), Kung Fu master. HIs ability to teach what he knows is frequently questioned, but his skill, is undenieable.

2. NO student of spirit form EVER EVER EVER has talked smack about it. They have left school, talked trash about the physical form, but when questioned about spirit class... the answer is always nearly identical.... no spirit form is something entirely different, it is no joke.... not to be made fun of, not to be taken lightly, not to riddicule, it is something else.... it is something special, it is REAL.

SO I need to buy flowers, incense, red candles, and a nice assortment of fruit... clean uniform formal kung fu jacket, the day of no smokes (of any kind), no meat, no fried food, light meals, very clean whole and simple, no sex, no stress, no booze.

I have held on to my sanity for 33 years, held on to it like grim death during some bad times in my life... I feel like I am giving it all away, in one feel swoop. I feel like I am joining a secert society, and I kind of am....

Haha you sound like you're joining skull and bones or something. It'll be okay. Don't freak out so much! :)

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62 lbs straight circuit 1 minute rest between
chin up 4, 4, 2, 2 : )
military press 8, 8, 8 (better)
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
 good morning 8, 8, 8,
 static lunges 8, 8, 8
  hang clean to front squats  8, 8, 8 (in a very lazy fashion I am slowly making the routine harder)
 Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

did that on friday before going off to class ...

Jane I don't know what you think is so simple about will full possession, and Taoist magic, doesn't sound simple (or rational) to me.... ; P

So yeah had a very nervous and distracted forms class.... go all my offerings and ceremony stuff.... was all clean and tidy, nice new kung fu jacket and everything.. nearly fasted, more because of nerves than for any other reason.

The question is really how much of this do I write down on paper....

I had to swallow a drawing, it will protect me from evil spirits... (i guess that is a good thing)...

I was given my guys name (guy or girl I am not sure)...

I had to light candles, incense, bow and pray.. to all the buddahs male and female, heven and earth, 3 senior masters, 36 junior masters, and the grand master of our form, and introduce myself to them....

Then I had to introduce myself and ask my new buddy to teach me and help me on my martial jorney...

the class waited and watched... I have never seen that many people at spirit class before, all lined up on either side as I was front and center (think of a non sexual version of Eye's Wide Shut") in front of our alter...

I colapsed at one point, just fell back over.... timber.....I had it in my head that is what Phan wanted me to do ?? he told me to get up and try again... heheheh ohhhh...

So the money qustion did this work? I was very comeled and there was presure from my shoulders to get low, get down on my knees... once I got down.... I was compeled to bow... head to matt, and that is about where I stayed... I would try to pull back and really was most content head to ground... after about 20-30 minutes, I was told good job.... good frist time... ok then???? I talked to someone who just joined last week, he said his reaction was the same... felt like he should bow, and that is where he ended up staying.

Where I felt pressure I tingled... pins and needles... I was really tired when  was told to stop... Phan said some people try for months befroe they pick up on thrier buddy.

If I acknowlegde that there was something, (and I will), It was much more strong (be it psycosemetic or otherwise), the more humble my prayers... the ones where I admitted I am clueless to the working of the universe.....If I was flip, conciously or otherwise the feelings recceded.

So ends frost spirit class... John said I did good... I woder how long this will take me to "get"...

I should ask more questions... but most are close motuthed, as to not give you room to fake your experiance.... I have a feeling it is like Qigung, they don't tell you really what your supposed to experiance, because evey body may ior may not experiance the same things, and looking for the experiance, can sometimes cause you to NOT have the experiance...

Gorged on Indian Bufffet aferwards, and a couple beers... (I guess I am ok my teacher likes beer I was warned he might not, in which case drinking would be very difficult?????....??)

Took the weekend off.... I chose not to think really about any of this over the weekend,,,,,

That all sounds very interesting.

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62 lbs straight circuit 1 minute rest between
chin up 4, 2, 2, 1 what the hell happened there???
military press 8, 8, 8 (better)
 bent over row, 8, 8, 8
 good morning 8, 8, 8,
 static lunges 8, 8, 8
  hang clean to front squats  8, 8, 8
 Romanian deadlifts 8, 8, 8

Actually, I had a binge eating weekend... after friday's class... lasted well into yesterday....I really dipped out this weekend, and I was hungry... and then damn kitten and his monday funday.... that could easily count for loosing  a couple chins... couple pounds up I am sure, equals a couple chins less... but that should go away directly.

SO I couldn't make weapons class last night... I think I can sneek it in on wednessday, but I can't make the whole class, nor can I attend on Friday. I will take forms, and spirit tonight, fight and form on thursday, and that is all I can do this week.

I didn't do any kung fu work at all since friday... Spirit threw me for a little loop... I really should have done something... I really should have tried to call my friend at home... My ovedevelpoed sense of personal shame... could easily get in the way of what I am trying to do... it would beniffit me to work on in at home by myself... I want a genuine experiance, and my brain needs to shut down for that... If I work out really really hard in class, and since all eyes will not be on me anymore, maybe I will be less concerned and I can turn off...

Fu is taking over your life!

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perhaps... yes I suppose... But, I can get in all my lifting this week, the fu is what I have to skip!

AHHHHHHHA!

Forms was again just forms yesterday, no form spar. They went all the way though to long Dragon, I only made it (well I tried) to eagle... I pulled my butt, trying to follow along with the low sweep, spin kick jump kick sequence... I think I have officially pulled ever muscle possible in my 3 1/2 years working out hard.... the butt, that was the last part remaining. Funny I felt it go....

I was very nervous doing spirit last night, I wanted to skip out entirely... I just didn't feel comfortable doing... and more importantly I did not know WHAT i WAS TRYING TO DO... I didn't know what was "correct", what it should feel like... What I was projecting or manufacturing, what was real what was in my brain. bleh! Another of my flaws... not good when I have no control, not good when I don't know what I am doing... the no control I can get over swimmingly...with proper stimulus. Don't know what I am doing...never gets easier for me... especially when I am publicly clueless.... And I am terified of making up this experiance, concuiously or unconciously. Worse yet worried that I would....it's early I can only think of one term to fit... **** block (I swear I am not dirty vulger white trash...I don't know how or why my vocab is so out of hand)  the experiance, by not going "with the flow", in my efforts to not manufacture..... I know, tell me agian I over think things! I Haven't heard that one enough, in my life ... : 0

So I talked to Phan, or Phan talked to me Jasper and AJ helped to get me started... phan did a much better job of explaining how this happens. SO... (and this just made me feel 100% better, about my experiance... because mine fits)... You buddy will start.. pushing you off balance... that is how it starts... And that is what happened to me.... We had to stand with hands to forhead, pray clasp, knees unlocked... your buddy, will start pushing you around, you are supposed to go where he pushes you. AS you get better at listening and feeling him, comunicating and such, the possession becomes more complete and more powerful... That is when your totally in their control, but it starts way slow.... pushing you around and teaching you stances. I felt that I certainly blocked some of that.... because I didn't understand how I could keep loosing my balance just standing there, so I locked up against it.

I just feel much beter about everything... I can go back to thinking about the rest of my life rather that alternately think way to hard about this side of my training, and then working really, really, hard at not thinking, about anything at all. Saturday through Monday night I really diped out, I already mentioned that... but I was rethinking about it last night and i was surprised at  how seriously I shut my sysytem down, and my brain off, not productive.

 got a gender confirmation on my friend, well Phan refeered to him as him... he also out of the blue last week asked me when I was going to have babies... I told him never... beause yeah, never, I wondered if that had something to to do with my chioce of teacher, and whether or not I got a girl verses guy... I know another woman has 2 ladies, or if it was just Phan's ADD.  Nhia Thop To that is his name, with some accent marks, I don't know how to make, on the computer.

SO I am officially nut noodle, but I feel good about it.

 Man my journal is just begging to get flammed... seriously.

I am starting to really miss heavy weight... I wanted to keep this routine for a few more weeks, and did want to do another circuit style routine before going  back to a strength style training, and back to big numbers... but now I am worried, I am not going to make it. And what I am doing right now fits so well in my schedule, and my apartment, it is quick and intense, only haver to bring out the barbell and load it once.

I think i lost some muscle, although what I have seems denser that before, I ahven't been eating consistantly well, too much or way too little... That is easy enough to change.

Do you want to be flamed?lol This isn't much of a lifting journal anymore.

Add me on facebook!

rippedchick


Do you want to be flamed?lol This isn't much of a lifting journal anymore.

well that was mean...there is just as much lifting in here as there was before, crap numbers atm, but other than that... there is just much more other crap that I write about here.

I probably should just move off of this board entirely...

thehardway

rippedchick


Do you want to be flamed?lol This isn't much of a lifting journal anymore.

well that was mean...there is just as much lifting in here as there was before, crap numbers atm, but other than that... there is just much more other crap that I write about here.

I probably should just move off of this board entirely...

Awwww H3LLLLL NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Gotta have my Philly connection!!!!

Current Stack: HDROL,Celltech,Superpump 250, Glutamine,Beta alanine,Whey protein.