How can I get my wife motivated?

Hi everyone.  I'm really looking to get back in shape and am starting a new eating and workout plan and want to get my wife motivated to do the same.  Currently she does no exercise and does not eat very well.  I have been talking about starting to eat healthy from now on starting next week and although she seems to be on board, she does not seem very excited about it. 
 
I know she is very sensitive about her weight and does not really enjoy exercise that much (although when she has worked out somewhat consistently in the past she at least says she enjoys how she feels after the workout).  But getting her motivated to eat better and exercise regularly seems to me to be to be one of those things that I can't make her want to do - she has to want to do it for herself.
 
We have a beautiful 10 month old daughter and I really want both of us to be healthy so that we will set a good example for her, and so that we will be around a long time and be able to do physical activities with her when she is older.  I am really worried that the track my wife is on is not good. 
 
In the last two to three years she has put on some weight, and she put on more weight during pregnancy and hasn't lost any of it yet.  She complains that she is tired all the time and has no time to exercise. 
 
Does anyone have suggestions on what I should say or do to help get her motivated and see that she needs to make some life changes?  Any tips would be really appreciated.
 

That's tough. If she is sensitive, than no matter how you phrase it she is going to take offense. Perhaps offense enough that she will do the opposite, for spite (she probably won't even be aware that she's doing it). I know the best cigerettes I have smoked, were the ones I lit directly after someone was kind enough to tell me that they'll kill me some day.
 

But getting her motivated to eat better and exercise regularly seems to me to be to be one of those things that I can't make her want to do - she has to want to do it for herself.

and your exactly right, she has to want to do it herself.
 

  We have a beautiful 10 month old daughter and I really want both of us to be healthy so that we will set a good example for her, and so that we will be around a long time and be able to do physical activities with her when she is older. 

that's the very best argument you can make.
 
You could try to ease her into it. there has to be some phsyical activity she enjoys, or tolerates better than others. If you can wrap you baby into the mix that would be even better. After dinner walks around the neighborhood, mommy, daddy and baby in the stroller, that's pretty painless and enjoyable; and also a start. Exersize and health living can be like a set of dominoes, you start with one thing, and all of a sudden you woking out 6 days a week running, lifting, working the core, streching, and on your off day your going for a hike or skiing or some other active activity, because it has become enjoyable to use your body.
 
The food thing is not that bad really, and something she needs to realize. Clean foods can be made to taste extrodinarilly good (especially if either one of you enjoys cooking). It will be something to get used to but after a month or so your pallet will change, and you will be able to taste how crappy most of your junk food really is (instead of getting high of of the sugar, chemicals and fat). And for the bad foods that life would just not be worth living with out (just about everybody has one or two on their personal list), there is always your cheat meal, so they are not gone forever, and you appreciate them much more when they are a special treat.   
 
Exersize will increase he energy, so will changing her diet. But you have a baby and I am sure that is overwhelming at the moment and the thought of trying to change everything right now, can certainly leed to a " not so enthusiastic attitude" about the whole damn thing. Not to mention your hubby basically telling you that your ugly, fat and dying is not much of a moral booster. I sure you don't phrase it that way, but that might actually be how she internalizes it.
 
I will also say that therre are certainly all or nothing type people out there, if your wife is one of them, then trying to force the total life change tomorrow maybe a good idea (and I know your amped about changing things right now, and don't want to loose your motivation). 
 
I feel that encouraging her to make baby steps might be a good way to go about doing things. Certainly starting with the dietary changes. And try to get her moving as well (seriously push the family activity angle)  but you know don't try to force her into the level of commitment that your ready to make. Set a good example by pushing yourself as hard as your willing to go, and try not to make her feel bad about her level of commitment, and hopefully she will become inspired by you, and start coming to the realisation that she needs to really change, as well.

Let me be the first to say...
 
What a fantastic topic!  And congratulations on your own fitness motivation.  It's hard enough to get ourselves going, let alone somebody else.
 
With that said, having your spouce as part of your fitness lifestyle can take your own levels of fitness to a new level.
 
Imagine that you go to the gym and workout and are around 100% intensity.
 
Imagine that you BOTH go to the gym and workout and are around 100% intensity and it carries over into other aspects of your life (sleeping, eating, etc).
 
It's difficult when you are into working out and your spouce may not share the same levels of commitment or joys.  Talk about frustrating too!  You see beyond just you and her but to your daughter as well having parents around later in life that are healthy.
 
What's worse is that your daughter may make the choice later to NOT to active even though you are very active.  It's easier if the whole family moves as a single unit.
 
I've seen several articles written on spousal support in the gym. 
 
* some love it as it's an extension of themselves
* others don't like it as they want to do it on their own
 
Obviously you are walking a delicate line.  You want to get your spouce involved in fitness in some capacity.  You also know she doesn't like exercise in general (my mom was the same way).
 
The key is...
 
To make exercise fun!
 
Let me explain...
 
You see, a lot of us find that bench pressing a lot of weight is fun.  It makes us feel good.  We get sore and we love it.  That's fun.  At least to me.
 
But there's many people who find that really boring.  Pointless.  And not so fun. 
 
In that case, you've got to simply find something that's 'exercise' but fun as well. 
 
Walking, jogging, basketball, tennis, family frisbee day, trail hiking...
 
Thing that involve one thing and only one thing....
 
ACTIVITY!
 
Get her active in some way without going full blown into a gym and hitting the weights and cardio machines.
 
There's so many levels of fitness that don't involve weights and cardio equipment.  But they all involve movement and activity.
 
Over the last few years, I've received hundreds of questions about nutrition.  Either it's a spouce looking to eat better and he's outnumbered at home or a teen who wants to eat better but his/her parents aren't into it.
 
The #1 problem with this is...
 
You may be looking for the other person(s) to take on your healthy lifestyle.
 
The reason they don't is that it's so easy to make bad choices today (fast food, tv dinners, quick eats).
 
The #1 solution to the problem is...
 
COOK for the family.
 
If you step up and do the shopping and eliminate most of the junk foods and start preparing meals, she'll be literally forced to eat better because you are supplying the effort.  The effort to cook, shop and prepare is really a big reason why people eat poorly.  Nobody wants to spend the time to do it.
 
Rather than look to her to join you in this nutritional quest, simply take over and offer to help, shop and cook.
 
If you start cooking well enough, it will taste quite good and she won't mind at all.
 
Many people would gladly eat healthy meals if they tasted good and were prepared for them.
 
As in the case of the teenagers who are looking to their parents to help them with their lifestyles or the spouce who wishes their significant other would eat better...
 
What nobody does is simply...
 
TAKE OVER!
 
You wouldn't be putting her on any diet.  You'd simply be eating better.
 
If it's important to you, then you must do it.  And while you're at it, cook a portion for her as well.  She'll probably NOT want to invest the effort to cook her own meals if they are already done for her.
 
So there you have it...
 
First, find any activity you both can enjoy on a basic level.  No guilt.  No pushing.  Just being active.  Let's see if it progresses.
 
Second, learn all you can about nutrition and eating properly for life (no diets).  And shop and cook.  Make portions for her.  Chances are, she'll just accept it and eat what you are eating because it's there.  Find receipes that make healthy foods taste better.
 
Third, you can throw in subtle hints about how great she looks.  What most men do is...
 
Bring down their wife's self-esteem in an effort to make them better themselves.
 
As you point out the unhealthy ways, you won't make her suddenly jump from the couch to the gym.
 
You'll just bring any motiviation she had to a screeching halt.
 
So compliment her.  Make her feel good.  People who feel good move forward.  People who feel bad, usually hide and become depressed.
 
Do the opposite of what most men would do in this situation.
 
That is, tell her how GREAT she is, how good she looks and maybe she'll come around to hanging out with you more during your activity.
 
If you take the usual approach and tell her she needs to workout and she's eating poorly, she'll probably not respond in a positive manner.
 
Hope this helps.
 
It's a great topic and one that doesn't have a clear cut answer.  Thanks again for brining it up.

Marc C. David - NGA CPT
Author of NoBull Bodybuilding
www.nobullbodybuilding.com

That last part is right on the money Marc! Be positive in talking to her, compliment her and use positive reinforcment when she does decide to go with you on a walk or eat healthy food. It will get you way farther than putting her down.

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Marc's hit it.

Be encouraging, "take over" where you can (but do NOT be critical), and my God, don't even insinuate a little tiny itty bit that she's not stunning in your eyes.  My partner is a guy, and my observation that he's put on a little of the over-40 poundage went over like a Bush speech at an Obama conference.

Be fun, be a role model, and love her to death, and make sure she knows it.  She KNOWS she's put on weight.  You can't make anyone do anything--they have to decide for themselves.  Sure, make sure you let her know she can join you at any time (e.g., say something maybe once a week or less), but don't be a nag, and don't put on any superiority airs, and don't be obnoxious.

"If there's nothing else that's relevant, I'll be leaving now"

"Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground"

Thanks a lot everyone for the great tips!  My wife and I talked a bit over the weekend about changes in our lifestyle we want to make.  I think she is on board with eating better.  I told her one of my New Year's resolutions is to cook more and she was excited about that.  I didn't push her on exercising, but she even said that she was going to think about joining the gym.  So I think it is a step in the right direction.  I know it will help when it warms up so that we can take family walks together at night and do other outdoor activities. 

Let her know I would be happy to help with any questions, maybe being a girl will help her come out of her shell and talk to me and I would be happy to set her up with sample diets, training or whatever she needs to get her going, everyone is different and she may only need someone to chat with and not want help YET......but eitherway, she can even email or pm me if she is not into  posting. 
I have a womens 30 day fat loss ebook with 30 days of diet catered to varous needs such as supplement, non supplement, veg or meat eater and training for 30 days for home or gym which she could follow and it outlines cardio info and has a few tools to help her with benchmarking and tracking progress.  Its 9.99 if you are interested to get it for her or show her it at bodyrushpersonaltraining.com
Linda

Come Visit my websites! www.figureteam.com www.lindacusmano.com www.bodyrushpersonaltraining.com

Time for ye old coop man to put his 2 cents in..... its a long read, and probably poorly worded as usual, but it has alot of meaning....

1st... Marc, what the heck I never get a 2 page reply from you ... j/k... sorta...

Next anyone that has followed my antics here knows my situation and what I have gone through... but since your new let me recap in short...

12 months ago I weight 300 lbs, and my wife, was very overweight, currently I dropped 85 pounds and my wife 50.... 

Some of the worst challenges I had was getting my wife motivated.... to the point in which I used it as a crutch as not getting fit myself....... for years

First and foremost you need to make sure you are focused on your health, and lead by example, if you lose motivation on yourself how can you expect to motivate her? No matter what your wife chooses you owe it to her to be healthy and with her as long as you can.

Second start it slow with her, you can go to the gym and give 120%, and at first she may only give 50%... but heck, 50% is better than 0-49% right? After time of watching you, watching what you do for a set, and how you push yourself she will follow the same example.... much like when kids are very small they do what they see...

When we first started I would destroy myself at the gym and wake up wanting to die, and more so wanting to do it again, where as my wife started with very high reps, very low weight, and honestly wasn't pushing herself, but at the time she was very comfortable with what she was doing, and in time, she packed on some more steel, and started to sweat, and eventually, would wake up in the morning wanting to die, and by lunch wanted to kill it all over again... heck now she is pressing out 90+lb freeweight squats..

I can tell you that if I hadn't had my wife with me every night in the gym I would have not come anywhere near losing 85 pounds, I am thankful for her help, and in appreciation I try to keep us motivated even when I am ready to quit.. And ultimately wont quit because I owe it to her, even if she quits she deserves a better me than a 300Lb me.... Make sure she knows that by going to the gym its not only about her improving herself, that it really helps you with her there, and she is helping you reach your goals.... heck even if she goes and just watches she will eventually want to be part of it...

If you want a unique but honest way to approach her tell her you want a workout buddy, tell her you need someone to make sure your doing well, spot you and keep you safe, if for nothing else ask her to help you.... eventually she will want you to help her..

In the end give her time, let her ease into it at her pace and before you know it she will be setting the pace for you and pushing you to levels you never knew...

Interestingly enough the time we spend at the gym with each other is probably the most meaningful time we have together, we are 100% focused on each other, and half the time that is all the little ladies want is you to focus on them.... the more you do, the harder they try to keep that attention..


ok... my last point.... the gym is usually full of lovely ladies... be sure to not let the lovely ladies get your attention as that never turns out well for me and ends up with a quad punch in the middle of a leg extension or somthing...

**Note there was meant to be some humor in this message but 95% was serious**

Eat...Lift....Sleep......Repeat

Enjoy the process.. but crave the goal.

Jon............. YOU cant. The only thing you can do is set an example. The more you "suggest" it the more she will rebel. y do i say that? I am a competative FBB at the age of 50 and my husband is over 300lbs and totally out of shape. when shes ready, shes ready. You could keep some Muscle&Fitness mags laying around.

I was wondering if anybody has any good workouts for my girlfriend. I know alot about lifting for guys but when she ask's me what to do i dont know to many workouts to tell her. Thanks i would appreciate any help!!

lifting for girls is no different than lifting for guys.

If you are doing a good routine, then she can go ahead and do the same as you.

But, for then again, what are her goals, and where is she now?

Jond-although I'm a brand new member I've been w/o for years..in fact decades.   I find the spouses tend to get motivated if they see their counterparts getting in much better shape then they are.   The fact that she has a track record of w/o in the past is good, give her some time.   Having 2 kids myself, I recall how hard it was for my wife after having a kid to get back into the routine with all a newborn entails.
 
Good luck man!

Height 5' 8" Weight  200 lbs Body Fat 16%
Bench 315-Squat 365-Dead 405
Chest-46"/Bicep-16.5"/Waist-37"...UGGH
Thigh-24.5"/Calves 16"

    

(Thehardway is totally right...lifting is the same for guys and girls. Right on. )

As for getting your wife into lifting and eating right with you....try to make it seem like a "team effort".  Make it about "we" are getting to the healthy lifestyle that "we" need.   For sure, try to make it fun too. Have your workout routines written down and do them together at the gym.

My bf is a bodybuilder and when I first started working out (last September) with hin, it was a little challenging.   But he kept encouraging me, and complimenting me when my form looked nice during a squat, or was excited when I could go up 20 for my deadlifts.  Now...9 months later I'm a crazy lifter and am competition in my first competition next month (as figure).

Positive reinforcement is key and really goes a long way, as will helping her feel comfortable.   But I think you're on the right track!

So jon, since this thread was started awhile back, I am curious how is the progress now after 6 months? I may have the same situation later and was pretty curious how it worked out for you.

-Mike

msummers26


So jon, since this thread was started awhile back, I am curious how is the progress now after 6 months? I may have the same situation later and was pretty curious how it worked out for you.

-Mike

Get used to lack of closure from older posts like this... this thread is 2 1/2 years old, although jon... does still show up occasionally I believe.

Hmm. Sorry for the necro then. Didn't mean to.

-Mike

No don't worry about it... I just knew you weren't going to get a reply, wanted to let you know why.

It keeps coming back anyway, you weren't the first to bring tit back from the dead.